There I sat, in my down town apartment, tears streaming down my face because of the pain. My everything hurt. My heart, my head, my body. I had lost all interest in anything that brought me joy. I was miserably, despairingly, and inexplicably SAD, CONFUSED and MAD.
The TRUTH is, I have a really great life! Our tiny little second story perch is in the BEST part of town for us artsy, wellnessy types… Every weekend the music drifts up from the local coffee shop and near by neighbors performing on their porch. Purveyors of art and coffee, traditional Mexican fare and cold pressed juice come filtering in, laughter comes bubbling up and my heart sinks. All of this beauty around me, and yet I still felt overwhelmingly alone and sad in one of the biggest cities in the Midwest.
What happened? Why so sad?
You see, I had a baby.
At 38, I had my fourth (and last) son. His pregnancy was a DREAM due to the state of my body and the quality of care I recieved. My body was in it’s optimal state as a side effect of living a life very close to the Earth and her cycles for the two years prior to becoming pregnant. I was camping at least two times a month. I was very often found drumming or dancing around a sacred fire all night long, happily dripping sweat. I did yoga and meditated on a daily basis. I am a massage therapist and I had so much “work”. (which really translates to blissfully living my purpose) I was free from all radio and television. I ate wild, and locally; I was ALWAYS on the go.
I moved to the Midwest, became pregnant, took my life off of the road and out of the wild ; I housed up to rest and create a human.
What happened in the intern is where this story really begins. After having my bouncing baby boy, we took this seemingly PERFECT second story apartment in the city ANNND… I stopped going camping, I began eating what was available(read affordable). Husband went to work to pay the bills and I sat on my ass.
A lot. I sat on my ass and melted in to a puddle of postpartum mess.
My 6 year old became nervous, rude and anxiety ridden. No more happy, well adjusted, tanned little boy. I became depressed, anxious and even paranoid. I seemingly forgot everything I knew on how to heal. My days were spent in front of a screen with minimal time outside rather than the other way around. I stopped spending time in sacred space in my way. I stopped perusing and using my music and dance; Which is how I commune with God (Source. Spirit. Spaghetti Monster..et al..) And it’s how I healed my body and reintegrated my Spirit after my last baby…No more balanced, healthy, happy momma…
Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. I had disconnected. And it took a year for me to realize it. And when that realization came, it found me in a heap on my living room floor. I was having ANOTHER melt down about misplaced shoes. I was Stomping. Bitching. Complaining. Finally Husband took the little ones in to the bed room to play so mommy could “have some space”… I heaved and cried and blubbered for a few minutes, soaking in my victim language. “No one understands me. No One Respects me. No One wants me happy” it played like a bad record through my mind… Until my precious little baby’s voice broke through the dirge in my head… My super sweet, uber intelligent one year old looked at his dad while happily jumping on the bed and said “Mommy Maaaad”.
Those words took my breath.
“Mommy Maaad”..The words stung my ears and heart just as the tears stung my eyes. My heart-felt like it had shattered against the words of my sweet little baby who was just learning how to communicate verbally ; and one of the first things he says is…
It rang in my ears over…
“OH..MY…GOD! I’m THAT mom!…I’m MY mom!” I thought.
THAT was the day I decided to take action. No More Mad Mommy! I spent almost TWO DECADES of CHOOSING to be a happy mother who loved having her children around. A mother who was involved and inspirational. With my first two (now 18 and 16) I was the parent who let them jump on the beds and have pizza for breakfast. Hell *I* was jumping on the bed WITH them… AND eating the pizza! I wasn’t about to let all that go down the drain just because I’ve made a few bad choices. Hell No. I wanted ME back. I wanted my JOY FOR LIVING back! And most of all, I wanted to get back on track with my work. I have a deep sense of knowing and connection and worth when I am offering healing, and for the most part I had shut myself off from my work. I figured I was no good to offer anyone in that state of non being.
I had gotten in to a pretty drastic situation, so the only course of action for this Aries Momma.. was something just as drastic.
I was SICK of not being able to play with my babies because my body hurt.
I was SICK of feeling angry and emotional all the time.
I was SICK of missing my LIFE. Something had to change. NOW.
That was the day I said YES. I had gotten in to a really unhealthy routine. I needed accountability. I needed to fill my mind with GOOD. I needed renewed relationship with food. And most of all, I needed to MOVE my body.
My Coach, Sister in Sangha and fellow toddler Momma had been presenting me with an opportunity for all that AND a way to make money for my family. I watched as she healed herself postpartum. I watched the sparkle come back to her eyes and smile.It sounded too good to be true. Too good for some one like me. Wait… WHAT?! Yep, that’s how low to the bottom of the emotional barrel I had gotten. I actually BELIEVED that a better life was for some one else, that I was undeserving. Well, I called bull shit on that. I got up, and I said YES!
Mission No More Mad Mommy was in full effect.
As I mentioned. I am an Aries: A natural-born Warrior. And that means that I will fight fiercely for my “Why”.
With in the first week of using this program, of taking on my own business and changing my life from the inside out I noticed HUGE changes in my little world. I was smiling and laughing again. I giggled at and played with my babies. I had so much more energy with a pain-free body. The doom and gloom of the world didn’t bring me down so much. In fact, I became inspired to offer my healing work to it. I began to reemerge. Transform.
This is The Beginning to a whole new Chapter.
A No More Mad Mommy Chapter.
Like the leaves through the seasons, it is time for me to drop the old to prepare for the new.